Catching my breath

I know my posting has been spotty this week. We’re in that weird time where we have absolutely nothing to do (in terms of kid activities) yet a million things to do (in terms of work and other stuff). So I’ve been spending my time trying to keep three kids entertained all day and then frantically running in the gaps in between.

Anyway, it’s been quite a week.

Neko starts preschool tomorrow, and I think the crazy pace has let me kind of avoid thinking about it. But now it’s here, and maybe it’s the exhaustion, but I’m starting to get a little sentimental and emotional. I know it’s silly. It’s not like she’s going to kindergarten. It’s just preschool. And she’s been to school. When she was two, she went two hours a day for two days a week. But that was different. She was barely talking then and it was all really parallel play and learning that it’s not okay to eat paint or bite your neighbor.

She’s our first, so I’ve been able to keep her sheltered. She doesn’t know what a gun is. She isn’t aware that people think boys should be one way and girls another. She’s never heard derogatory names like “stupid” or “fatso”. She’s never heard a swear word.

From the moment she was born, she’s been under my wing. I’ve been there to keep her on the straight and narrow. I watched her discover the dust that floats in the sunlight and that caterpillars tickle when they walk on your hand. I’ve kissed nearly every bump and bruise. I’ve watched her succeed and fail.

I know this year she’s going to learn really important things like how to make friends and take turns and sit still and listen and that she can’t always be first in line. But I’m still sad. I feel like when I say goodbye tomorrow, we’re turning the corner. She’s not all mine anymore. Someone else is going to watch her discover and explore, succeed and fail. And I’m only going to see less and less of her as the years pass.

I’m also nervous for Shep. He’s been tippy and emotional lately. He bursts into heaving, sobbing tears at the drop of a hat. I don’t know if he senses a change coming on, but he’s not quite himself. I know it will be good for him, too. He’ll get a chance to be “the big kid” and make his own decisions. He won’t always have to play second fiddle. But he’s going to miss Neko terribly.

And Ellery will only know life with part-time Neko. She won’t know what it’s like to have her ever-present, and that’s a strange thing for me to wrap my head around.

I know it’s sentimental and schmaltzy. I know in a week or two I’ll be dropping her off like we’ve been doing it for years. But for tonight, I’m going to allow myself to wallow a bit.